The Value of a Life Lost
by Xtin2000
Summary: Remus grieves for his lost friend


_**The value of a life lost**_

Remus half walked half stumbled back into the headquarters, not

really knowing why he got here, but not really caring either.

The house was empty by the looks of it. The remaining Ordermembers were

probably still back at the department of mysteries to

sort things out right now, but he just had to get out of there as quickly

as he could. Walking up the stairs to the second landing, Remus

unconsciously went into Buckbeak's room and slammed his back into

the wall as he got there. After sliding down into a miserable hunch,

Lupin started crying. His shoulders shaking with violence as tears

streamed down his face in waterfalls Moony was trapped in a train of

thoughts that would tear him deeper and deeper into despair.

Why him, why Sirius? Why did it have hit one of the strongest people

on the planet, why not someone weaker, someone less valuable, why

not someone who's heart wasn't made of pure gold and who's strength

wasn't immeasurable. Why did it not hit me?

Oh Padfoot, how gladly I would take your place, how much I wish I

was beyond the veil...

Your life, old friend, is..._was oh God, _of value in a way that I doubt you would

believe me. You have survived so much terror and hatred and never

crumbled under the pressure you were subjected to.

How I deserved to be your friend I will never understand and all you did

and sacrificed for me I will never be able to pay back. All I can do to

honor your memory is to make sure our cause will prevail, if this

cause is to claim my life, of the last true marauder, to put a last ditch

effort into helping the light to remain, that price is worth paying. I

hereby remain to help finish what we once started together, the day

we entered the order.

What ever may be the mysterious other side of life, where ever you

are my friend, I hope you get to be with James.

The two of you were what made a werwolf's life worth living. Now

only the cause remains.

And Harry. Harry needs you Sirius. I could never be for him what you

were. I will try though, he deserves so much better. The son of a

Marauder who has proven himself to be one of us in ways no one

would ever expect anyone to be.

I love him Sirius, as much as I love you and James, I only fear your

death has bore a hole in his soul as deep as it bore one in mine.

All that remains of you are glorious memories, the emptiness of which

tear at my sanity.

"I would have so gladly died for you"

Just after saying these words had he realized he had spoken them

aloud. Beaky was sitting at his side he noticed after looking up, his

head buried in his wings, clearly asleep. Remus did not know how

long it had been since he got up here, but it must have been a couple

of hours, since darkness now filled in through the window.

"you must realize, Remus, that he would have said the same thing for

you"

Remus looked up and saw in the shadow of the door frame an old

wizard who's blue eyes were visible through a pair of half moon

spectacles. Dombledore's eyes, however looked sadder then Lupin

had ever seen them before. There was no twinkle in them.

Somewhere deep in his heart Remus knew that what Dombledore said was

right, and that Sirius had loved him just as much as it was the other way

around. But why that was, Lupin couldn't accept. As though reading his

thoughts like an open book, Albus went on "Your life and your undying

friendship for him were as highly treasured by him, as his by you. The bond

you shared can not be put in words that would do it justice, but you must

understand that it meant equally as much to him as it does to you Remus"

Dumbledore's voice was very quiet and soft but in the silence of the night he

had heard every word perfectly.

"I do Albus, I understand it. But I don't feel worthy of being alive now that

death claimed him and spared me yet again"

"Sirius would have found it worth more then his life to keep you alive, my

friend"

The seconds passed until Moony found his voice again.

"I realize that" he said, taking a shaky breath "but why that is, I will never

understand"

"Maybe one day Lupin, you will see the value of your life, that Sirius saw all

along. You were worthy of Sirius's friendship and deserve to live even now

that he has passed"

"I wish I could believe you"

Lupin noticed that Albus was now sitting next to him, putting an arm around

him and pulling him close. Remus would never resist, instead he held onto his

mentor for dear life, sobbing harder then ever.

"But you can believe me Moony, trust me with this, if ever I asked you to

trust me with something"

After long last Remus nodded, pulling back from the embrace and burying his

face in his hands.

"You deserve so much better Remus" Dombledore said, unconsciously echoing

Lupins earlier thoughts about Harry "the braveness of your soul to keep

fighting after so many losses will remain forever a mystery to me"

And together they sat in silence, each caught up in their own grief.


End file.
